Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Controversial Thursday- How to ACT in Monster Cafe..

A few weeks ago a guy said I was rude with my How to get a job at Monster Cafe post...Well he doesn't know what rude is...Till now!


The Monster Cafe is not politically correct. If you are easily offended, there is a good chance you will be offended here. Just don't whine about it. We grill the Best Damn Burgers in Saltillo. We also offer our customers a huge selection of booze for guzzling, the option to smoke cigarettes in our terrace, and some really tasty comfort food, all served in a casual atmosphere with an irreverent attitude. We are sorry if you are offended if the music is too loud. The simple fact is this; if you really need to have total control over your environment, then you really need to stay home.

We strive to foster an attitude of mutual respect at The Monster Cafe. You be nice, and we’ll be nice. If you need to get your server’s attention, please wait until they are finished with the customer they are currently helping, and then flag them down. Don’t whistle, or clap, or bang your bottle on the table like an idiot. Our service is very casual, and you are welcome to call your server by name. But do not reach out and poke them, pull their apron, or slap their ass. In fact, never touch your server in any manner that might be considered inappropriate. Servers can get very touchy about their personal space, so don’t invade it or you might just pull back a bloody stump.

Please keep your shoes on, and your feet off the furniture. Don’t graffiti or vandalize our bathrooms, or any other part of The Monster Cafe which I know is hard to refrain from in Mexico, for that matter, and don't steal our stuff. What the hell is wrong with you? Maybe your momma didn’t raise you any better, or maybe you enjoy living in squalor at home, but we take a little pride in our surroundings. This is our house. So don’t ever come in here and start adjusting fans, TV's or lights, or moving the furniture around like you own the place, because if you do we’ll have to slap you like a red-headed stepchild. If your group has special seating needs, please let the host, server or manager help you. In fact, our staff is here to help you however they can, so just ask them. They are not shy, so you shouldn’t be either.

You are free to be as rude to your friends and dining companions as you’d like, but if you expect our staff to serve you, then get off your damn cell phone. Monster Cafe Employees will not interact with you if you are using a cell phone at our host stand, tables or at the bar. Talking on a cell phone while attempting to order from your server is incredibly rude, and may result in bodily injury or death. So just put the phone away. You’re really not that important.

In case you don't understand what we do here, we invite the public into our bar to hang-out, eat and drink. The sale of food and beverages allows us to pay our bills and our staff, and keep this place open. Some people like to try and sneak in their own booze using paper coffee cups, or plastic soda bottles. Nice try. If you are foolish enough to park yourself down, and whip out your sack lunch from home, or bring in an outside beverage, it will be confiscated immediately, and dumped in the trash. Give us any lip, and we will dump you there too.

The Monster Cafe and Bar is an official "Idiot-Free Zone." Entering our premises as our guest is a privilege that is revocable at any time, at our sole and absolute discretion. So if we don't appreciate anything about your behavior, we reserve the right to toss your obnoxious butt right out the door. You see, there is no law that can force us to put up with you, if we think you’re acting like a jack-ass. And if we ask you to leave, for God's sake, don’t start telling us about your “rights.” Just shut up and get out, before you make things worse. Better yet, just don’t act like an idiot in the first place. Be advised, if you do get your silly ass "eighty-sixed," this expulsion may be permanent, it may just be until you sober up, or it may be until you convince us that you will stop acting like a damned fool in the future. We’ll let you know our final verdict when you skulk back to The Monster Cafe with your tail between your legs.

Don’t give anyone a hard time when they ask to see your ID. Sideshow geeks get paid to guess your age. We, on the other hand, are required by law to verify it. So if you didn’t bring your ID with you, and you are refused a drink, or denied access to the bar, it’s your own damned fault for being a dumb-ass. Now let’s review; You will be carded at the door because because you must be 18 to enter the Monster Cafe. This will require a valid State or other government issued form of identification. Your college ID or a wrinkled photocopy of a speeding ticket will simply not cut it. If you order alcohol you may be carded a second time because you must be 21 to drink. Take it as a compliment. Hell, we might even card you a third time if you move to the bar from a table. We are not trying to be difficult. We are just protecting our government-issued liquor license, and the livelihood of our entire staff. We are required to obey the law, and so are you. So just show your ID.

If you ever have a legitimate problem while at The Monster Cafe, please speak with the Manager-on-Duty while you’re there, because we can’t deal with an issue we don’t know about. A Manager is always available to help make things right, because we really want our loyal patrons to enjoy themselves every time they visit. Going home and posting a whiny review on “I’m-a-big-fat-pussy-dot-com” will not really help us, help you.

Sometimes it’s good to be bad. We get it, and we’re always happy to help. We whole-heartedly support imbibing in a cocktail or two, especially if it helps you cut loose and unwind, even if you do get a little silly. That’s just good clean fun. Unfortunately, some people have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. These same people can’t seem to make the distinction between a public bar and their dingy apartment or frat house. The more alcohol they consume, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. We refer to these people as “Amateurs.” Once they are adequately primed, they inevitably start to annoy our other patrons with their obnoxious behavior. They often steal or vandalize our property, and 9 times out of 10, they end up puking somewhere unfortunate. Why can’t they ever find the damned toilet? Fortunately for them, there are many other bars in Saltillo that cater to Amateurs, almost exclusively. We are always happy to point these idiots in the right direction as we kick them out the door.

Some people think everything that exists in the world should revolve around them and their narrow view of life. They just can’t accept the fact that any place they don’t personally appreciate could ever be popular or successful. Given the opportunity, these pinched-up petty tyrants, would happily use the coercive power of government to force their beliefs on you. That’s right, they know what’s best for everybody. We refer to these people as “Tight-Asses.” This personality type tends to be easily offended, and even more easily pissed-off. So when they visit The Monster Cafe, they just can’t help but be offended by something. And you know the crazy part? They actually believe we should change our business to satisfy them. What they need to understand is, we don’t care if our business offends them. In fact, we hope they tell all their stupid, tight-assed little friends how offensive The Monster Cafe is, because we don’t want those idiots coming in and spoiling our fun either.

“Douchebag” is generally a term reserved for a certain type of man. And whether he’s flexing in a skin-tight T, popping the collar of his Ed Hardy shirt, or teasing you with his shaved pecks in a deep V-neck, just understand that the variations of his douchey-style are only equalled by the number of his psychological disorders. The only thing more repellent than his fashion sense, is his self-absorbed behavior. Often traveling in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any attention as sexual attraction. They’ll often invade a women’s personal space with a hip thrust to the beat of the music. Other classic moves include the ever-popular fist pump, high-five and random, hooting dog noises. Ever on the prowl to feed his frail ego, he’s got an unquenchable desire to be the alpha male. This often makes him a bully. Don’t step on his shoes. Don’t jostle his drink. Don’t ever make eye contact, because it doesn’t take much to set this idiot off. It also doesn’t usually take long for his behavior to get him into trouble at The Monster Cafe. Oh boy, you made the new 18-year old waitress cry. Aren’t you a big stud? Time to go, Douchebag.

If we ever make a legitimate mistake with any aspect of a customer’s dining experience, we will always do whatever it takes to correct the problem. Our good patrons understand this. But there are certain parasites in society that view this situation as an opportunity to demand something for nothing. They’ve practically turned it into a lifestyle. We refer to these people as “Moochers.” Since we are not in business to appease scumbags, these low-life con-artists really need to take their demands elsewhere. We suggest one of those multi-national corporate chain restaurants, because those places seem to love dealing with that kind of bullshit. In fact we blame the big chains for increasing the number of Moochers in the world, due to their constant pandering to the lowest common denominator. You want scumbags for customers? They’re all yours, T.G. Shananigans. You can keep ‘em, because we sure as hell don’t want these idiots in The Monster Cafe.

The Monster Cafe is a small, casual joint so we seat on a first-come, first-served basis. We do not take reservations. Don’t bother phoning ahead, because even if you speak with an employee you still do NOT have a reservation. You know why? Because we don’t take reservations. Nope, not even for you. If we are on a wait to be seated, make sure to give your name to the host, because that is the only way you will get a table.

We do not recommend coming to The Monster Cafe with a party of more than 6 people during peak days and times, as our restaurants are generally not designed to accommodate big groups. If we’re busy, and you do show up with a large party, we may have to split up your group in order to seat you. Otherwise, you’ll probably be in for a long wait. The bigger the group, the longer the wait will be. So if you’re foolish enough to show up with your 20 best friends at 8 o’clock on a Friday night, do NOT cry like a big baby when you have to wait a very long time to be seated.

Be advised that we do NOT seat incomplete parties during any peak business period, and we decide what constitutes a peak period. We know all your little tricks and lies too, you tricky, lying little bastards, so don’t even try them. Just have a drink at the bar while you wait on your slack-assed friends. And just so you know, being rude to the host will only accomplish one thing. You leaving. Period.

We want our patrons to hang-out and enjoy themselves at The Monster Cafe. But if you have finished eating and drinking, have paid your check, and can see that people are waiting for tables, please be considerate of others and give up your seat so the next group can enjoy the experience. Don’t be the oblivious table of dumb-assed campers. And if you have taken up a table for hours and hours on end, don’t forget to tip your server accordingly.

If you are not greeted within 2 minutes, then you’ll be greeted within 3 or 5. Service times vary with business volume. So just pull the stick out of your butt. Just relax and enjoy your friends, the atmosphere and the experience. Take a deep breath. Life’s short. Try to enjoy it.

Everything you need to know about our food and beverage selection is printed somewhere within our menus. Please read them thoroughly. If you ask us stupid questions we will be forced to mock you mercilessly. And remember, it’s a menu, not a contract. Occasionally a discrepancy in price or selection listed may occur. That’s called a “typo,” so just cut us some slack.

All the items on our menu are fresh, and cooked to order. We strive to have food to your table within 20 minutes but if we are very busy your order may take a little longer.  Any well-done burgers will also increase your wait time. You see, a half pound of fresh, raw sirloin actually has to cook. Nothing at The Monster Cafe ever sits under a heat lamp. This ain’t fast food, it’s good food.

The Monster Cafe is a true short-order kitchen. We will gladly prepare special orders whenever possible. But realize that if you order something that’s not on our menu, we’ll charge you whatever damn price we want and you’ll thank us for it. And that goes for your ridiculous cocktail requests too. We do our best to keep our prices low, and one thing that helps us achieve this goal is to actually charge people for what they order. So if you ask your server for extra stuff, that’s certainly not a problem, but you will pay for it. Unfortunately, the big truck full of free goodies has never once pulled up in front of our restaurant. They always want us to write a damned check.

We know mistakes can happen, and we are always happy to correct any errors made by our kitchen, but we are not in the business of providing free samples. Food that is prepared correctly may NOT be returned because you “just don’t like it.” Suck it up, crybaby. This applies to cocktails as well. And if you order any beer, wine or spirit that you absolutely hate, that’s a shame too. But we don’t brew, ferment, distill or bottle any of it. We just sell it. If you have any questions or concerns about what things taste like, talk to your server before ordering, or simply be prepared to share what you order with your less fussy friends at the table.

The Monster Cafe is a neighborhood bar. It is not really a “take-out” restaurant, so our “dine-in” guests will always be our first priority. That’s why we may suspend take-out orders during our peak business periods. Sorry, but when we are really busy in-house, that’s just the way it has to be. Don’t cry. Don’t throw a fit. That won’t change anything, and it’s just going to make you look like a spoiled little whiner. If we don’t answer the phone, that is a pretty good indication that we are too busy to take “to-go” orders at the moment. Please Note: After 8:00 pm nightly, take-out orders can ONLY be placed in-person, at the bar.

The Monster Cafe is prohibited by law from selling alcoholic beverages "to-go".  No other alcohol may leave our premises. We will not serve alcohol to anyone that is visibly intoxicated. We reserve the right to cease the service of alcohol to anyone, at any time, at our sole discretion. Few things are as embarrassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar, so do everyone a favor and cut yourself off, before you start acting stupid. If you don't have a designated driver, and are not sure of your own condition, never hesitate to have the bartender, server or manager call you a taxi. It's no problem. We've got those guys on speed-dial. So cab it. You'll be glad you did when you wake up at home tomorrow, instead of in county jail.

Help us maintain a quality staff. Tip your server appropriately. Tipping is how our servers and bartenders make their living.  If you think that tipping is a scam, then buy yourself a TV dinner, stay home and watch wrestling. Just don’t come here. If you can’t afford to tip, then you can’t afford to eat at full service restaurants. It’s just that simple.

Yeah I am a big collector of them.  I have many for sale in the cafe.  I am willing to trade all for current Mattel WWE figures.  One for one.


  1. It is good for a girl to know this is a douchebag-free place :D :D :D :D :D

  2. Sounds like some pretty standard common sense to me.